May 02, 2008 Earworm

It's been fifty days since the last Madonna earworm and, being a 'mo, I am contractually obligated to translate her age in years to days and not allow more than that time to pass without a mention. Complicated, huh?

So, it's a good thing that I woke up with "4 Minutes" in my head along with the panic stricken barking of dogs. Slipping into my birkenstockian slippers I rushed to follow twelve feet down the stairs and gracefully slipped mid-way, landing once on my head and then again on my ass, as three Irish Terriers looked back to laugh. Regaining my footing - and making a mental note to get new morning footwear - I rushed to the back door to release the beasts who then noisily cleared the back yard of the band of squirrels who were plotting something evil against our fortress or, perhaps, to take over the world. All without even a second of help from Madonna, Justin, or Timbaland.

I'm still undecided about Madonna's latest album, "Hard Candy". I don't really care that she's broken her pattern of unearthing new truffle talent to help her create her latest (ahem) artistic statement, choosing instead to go with the latest pop saviour (Justin) and a producer of the minute who, by now, surely must be on the edge of his sell by date (Timbaland), because a girl's gotta do what she's gotta do when she's pushing pop songs to the kids whilst filling out the AARP membership forms.

No, the problem I have with "Hard Candy" is that it doesn't fill me up. There's very little to be found under the colorful coating, its on the beat posturing allowing Madonna to skip any emotional content. Sure, she's provided us some wince and groan inducing lyrics in her time - "Don't Stop", anyone - but she's usually more on than off when she's not trying to pound us over the head with a deep thought - "In This Life", anyone?

Maybe I'm just becoming an old fuck but I still expect to hear something to shout about, even when I'm dancing, and considering that I've gotten to this age with Madge, I expect her to deliver. So far, "Hard Candy" says nothing to me. Not that it matters, because it's on target to be her seventh #1 album in the US - moving her one spot closer to tying with Streisand, and "4 Minutes" is her 37th top ten single - making her the girl with the most of those. So, for now, the kiddies are on board and she can still dance with Justin without anyone saying, "Awwwww, how sweet". For now.

Tick tock, tick tock, tick tock